Since they were born, children are listening and learning from their surroundings every waking hour of their lives. They are listening to you too and hanging on to most of what you say.
So, remember, what comes out of your mouth as their parent or caregiver has an impact on them whether or not you realise it.
The way most of us naturally are
We can’t help it – it’s probably the way we ourselves were brought up, but a large part of what we say to our children seem to have a strong disciplinary air about it – we tend to say ‘no’ quite a lot. It’s probably why ‘no’ is one of the first words a baby picks up – sometimes before he can even say ‘mummy’ or ‘daddy’!
Let’s take a look now at some things we say to our children without thinking, and what their consequences are.
1. That’s NOT how you do it – I’ll show you how.
Automatically taking over from whatever a child is doing, just because it’s not being done right (or right by your book), isn’t helping him at all. We’ve all either experienced this in our lives or have said it to our child. It gives a message to your little one that only adults are capable of doing things right and it may eat into his self-confidence at trying new things and learning from mistakes. Instead, he’ll be anticipating an adult to intercede and do it the right way.
2. I’m really disappointed in you
It’s sad to think that these words are often spoken to kids at times when they already feel bad about either doing something wrong or failing at something they were trying to do. Kids need to be comforted, forgiven and be given encouragement through life’s ups and downs, and not be condemned for ‘failing’. Although it’s natural to feel disappointed when your child doesn’t do as well as you expected him to, trying to make them responsible for your disappointment only adds to their pain. Note too, that most times, some sort of competitive attitude you may have with other parents may be to blame for how you feel, so try addressing that instead.
3. You’re being too sensitive
This is a common phrase used among parents who are emotionally disconnected themselves (read: they tend to show little or no emotion towards events in life). Telling a child who is feeling sad, down or upset that he or she should not be feeling so, is, in a way, akin to telling them their feelings are not important to you. Or, worse still, if they happen to be a very sensitive individual, it may lead them to believe that they should never trust their feelings and their perceptions are always wrong. The ability to show emotions is the key to understanding how feelings work, before addressing them, e.g. finding and understanding the cause, comforting, reassuring, etc. If these are not part of your parenting life, your child could end up missing something meaningful during these precious growing years. Remember, compassion is what the world needs more of, and if you feel uncomfortable reading this, it wouldn’t harm to do a little self-check, for the sake of your child.
4. Leave me alone!
This may sound harmless, especially if your child is driving you up the wall with his endless requests and needs, but if you keep repeating this, the message that may be internalised by your little one might be that he or she is a nuisance who does not deserve your help or attention. If you’re not quick to remedy this situation, in time, if they have issues in life that need urgent attention and care, they’ll have second thoughts about turning to you for help. Surely, that’s not what you want?
5. You did great the other time, so what happened this time?
When a compliment is followed by a negative remark, children tend to focus on the negative statement. Well, wouldn’t you, if you were in their shoes? All the initial positive reinforcement, boost of self-confidence and motivation gained from the compliment are lost as soon as the latter comes in to crush them. Keep in mind that your child is under your guidance and care, and what you think of them matters a lot to them. At the end of the day, they too are only humans who should be allowed to fall and rise again without being judged by the one they love the most.
6. You better stop making me angry
One of the main rules of parenting is to stay calm no matter what happens. Aside from the fact that we usually say things we later regret when we’re angry or frustrated, staying calm also demonstrates to children how we want them to behave. This is especially important for parents of kids who tend to get easily upset.
7. It’s not a big deal
Even if something isn’t a big deal to you, it can be a big deal of your child. Telling them that it isn’t invalidates and shames them for their emotions. Not only are they then upset about the original issue, but they’re ashamed or embarrassed about how upset you are on top of that. These comments never helped anyone – children or adults – actually feel better or calm down.
8. You’re too fat
Children who are overweight or obese can benefit from nutritional changes; but calling a child fat is hurtful and does nothing in providing guidance for how to slim down. Negative body labeling and shaming feed into a culture of disordered eating and unhealthy body images. At the end of the day, you may want to remind yourself that there is always a reason why your child ended up overweight…. and address it accordingly.
9. Why are you so lazy?
Children are rarely lazy for it is naturally against their nature to be so. In fact, as parents, it’s our duty to actually provide them with activities to keep them moving! So, perhaps instead of accusing, you should be wondering, what went wrong here? Often, there’s an underlying reason as to why they aren’t able to accomplish what’s being asked of them. As a parent, you are actually attacking your child’s self-esteem and self-worth with this statement. And let’s face it, none of us have ever been motivated to do better by being called lazy.
10. Stop being such a baby
You can’t expect kids to act like adults because they’re not adults. If a child is exhibiting a behavior that seems babyish, look at the situation. Often they revert to old behaviors when they’re nervous, anxious, or scared. Instead of shaming them, listen to what they have to say, and help them address their feelings – that would go a long way in helping them regulate their emotions as they grow and develop.
11. Don’t make me tell your dad/mom about this
‘Telling the other parent’, just like time out or taking things away and other threats are often defaults discipline techniques that most of us practice without much thought. It seems to work, for a while. When a parent sets a limit however, they should always be prepared to follow through, so don’t threaten anything you won’t actually do, like turn the car around on a trip to somewhere special, because your child isn’t behaving. In fact, setting a limit and not following through may actually serve to maintain rather than repair unbecoming behaviours in children.
12. Do you know how sad you’re making me feel now?
Children are not responsible for their parents’ emotional well-being! (read: parents are responsible for their children’s well-being, not the other way around.) While it’s important for children to understand that their behavior affects other people, it’s developmentally inappropriate and emotionally strenuous to ask that they act a certain way out of a sense of responsibility for their parents’ feelings.
