When it comes to making a family, it’s no one’s decision but your own as to when to have children and how many to have, for that matter. Will you have a big family or small? Many couples envision the pitter-patters of two or more pairs of little feet around the house as the ideal picture of the perfect little family.
They may well imagine a life filled with love, laughter, and fun. Sometimes too, purely by chance, one is unwittingly faced with the duty of raising more than one little child at once. Having two or more small children makes a lovely picture as a family, but it’s not all fun and laughter for most of us!
Taking good care of a child may come naturally when all of your attention needs to be focused on just that one child. It’s considerably much easier to see to a child’s every need when you have only one to care for. When more than one comes into the picture, things tend to get a tad complicated at times, especially when you have to divide your attention between two, three (or more!) young ones! Yes, taking care of more than one small child calls for lots of patience, time, and of course… love. Loving your children is the easy part. Finding the time and patience that your days will cry out for will be a little more difficult, but you can do it. Plus, when all your children are grown, you’ll look back on those days with fondness!
While no two families are alike, some fundamental facts can be compiled together to form a basis of how to care for more than one young child with love and much affection, no matter how rough things can sometimes get. Here are some things no parent can afford to ignore.
Helping the older child adjust
When a new baby comes along, the older sibling is no longer the center of all his or her parent’s attention. Do not think for a moment that you can pull the wool over the little one’s eyes about this fact! It’s relatively normal for an older sibling to experience emotions beyond his or her control, from excitement to jealousy or even resentment. Many parents do not realize that toddlers can hardly verbalize their feelings and so they are taken by surprise to find their elder kid’s behavior regressing upon the arrival of the new baby. Oh yes, elder siblings, out of frustration, might go back to sucking their thumb, drinking from a bottle, or even forgetting their recent potty training skills, all in an effort to get attention. They might even go back to baby babbling too.
Slightly older siblings are also not exempted from these bewildering phenomena. However, they might express their feelings a little differently. For instance, they might be pushing your patience, misbehaving, throwing tantrums, or even refusing to eat. There is no call for despair though at times you might feel like tearing your hair out! Keep in mind that these so-called issues are usually short-lived.
The good news is, there are steps you can take to help an older child adjust to the idea of welcoming a new sibling and make things a whole lot easier for both of you. The most important thing to remember here is that your toddler needs to know that he or she will always be loved and appreciated no matter what.
Some tips to try:
- Let your older child help pick out items for the new baby’s nursery. This will help make him or her feel appreciated and needed. It is very important to make a continuous effort to help the little one with the feeling of inclusion so that there will be no reason for resentment towards the baby.
- If you’re still pregnant, take your child to one of your prenatal visits to watch an ultrasound. If you’re giving birth in a hospital setting, ask about sibling visitation after the baby is born.
- Find a special gift that your older child might like to share with the baby, such as a favorite book or toy, or a photo of the sibling for the baby’s room. Don’t forget to pick out something for your older child too, such as a DVD to watch while you’re feeding the baby.
- Arrange a special time just for you and your older child. This might involve a trip to the grocery store, a car ride together, or simply reading a few extra stories at bedtime.
- Talk about what to expect when the baby comes home. Explain that a new baby cries sleeps, and needs diaper changes frequently. Assure your older child that although the new baby needs lots of attention, there will still be plenty of time and love for him or her.
- Reinforce your older child’s role in the family, saying that he or she will be the “big brother/sister” to the new baby. Make an effort to describe the role attractively so your child can revel in this new role.
- The arrival of a new baby brings big changes to older kids, so you might want to hold off on introducing other major changes. If your child is not toilet trained yet, this is probably not a good time to start.
Inclusion is crucial
Siblings play a very special role in a new baby’s life, so don’t leave your older child out of the decision-making. As much attention is lavished on a new baby, it’s easy for older kids to feel overlooked. Reassure yours by encouraging participation in the preparations.
Your time — That’s what your child wants
Anticipate some changes in your older children after the arrival of a new sibling, for it’s only natural that a little child or children would feel left out or perhaps even a little threatened with all the attention given to the newest family member. Remember that we’re dealing with little human beings here, so the solution should be natural and not technical or complicated.
The single most important thing you can do to help your toddler work out conflicting emotions about a new sibling is to spend more time with him or her. Set aside time to talk, read, cuddle, and so on with your elder child. He or she needs this from both you and your partner.
Quality time doesn’t have to be a grand affair either. It can be simple activities such as watching a TV program together while your infant naps, taking a walk, coloring a picture, or simply snuggling or tickling on the couch.
Simply explaining that the new baby needs your attention too, may not work, for most toddlers are attention-starved little things. To avoid the possibility of your toddler turning into a moody little protestor, try including the little tyke or princess when caring for the new baby. Older brother or sister can help bring you the baby sibling’s clothes, hankies, diapers, wipes, etc. Depending upon age, there may be many areas in which your toddler can be involved in taking care of his or her sibling.
Life is not picture perfect and there will be times when both your little ones will warrant attention at the same time. Bring out the trusted (pre-planned) survival kit! This kit should be appropriately stocked and ready to use during moments like these with crayons, puzzles, pictures, activity sheets, blocks, etc. Pull out this assortment for the older sibling to play with while you take care of your newborn.
One almost fool-proof trick is to keep some new, never-seen-before goodies at hand to be used to pacify the older sibling during desperate times.
Inevitable changes
Giving birth will affect you in some way or another and by the time you bring your baby home, you will most probably have to deal with your own physical and emotional issues. Increased exhaustion and mild to moderate anxiety is a normal occurrence after having a child and it doesn’t matter if it’s the first, second third or fourth child. There will be a host pre-natal issues to contend with, as nature will have it.
Physically, you are likely to be sore and very tired, particularly if you had a difficult birth or cesarean delivery. This makes late-night feeding sessions tough, especially if you have decided to breastfeed. Then, there’s also the matter of your older child or children who seem to be constantly competing for your attention, now more than ever.
Now is not the time to turn down help, no matter how you may have sworn to yourself that you’re going to prove to the world what a super mummy you are!
Even super mummies need a hand
Friends and relatives who offer help are usually made up of those who genuinely care for your well-being. Accept any help which is offered to you with gratitude and you will find that your super-mum skills will show itself more and more as you get to rest, heal and rejuvenate from childbirth. Remember, even super-heroes depend a little on their side-kicks.
Employing a ‘confinement lady’ can allow you to catch up on sorely needed rest and sleep! A confinement lady is a specially trained woman who cares for mother and baby during the first month after delivery. If you are fortunate enough to be able to afford one, be sure to take this opportunity to spend some precious time with your older child or children and help them bond with the new family member too.
Making time for yourself
With a newborn in the house, as you should already know by now, it can mean sleepless nights and tiredness which can get pretty overwhelming. It is essential that you set aside some time just for yourself. Understandably, it might be challenging to justify (to yourself!) taking time away from your children to do some self-pleasing things. To be a happy parent, however, this is a must — even if that means simply carving out an extra 20 minutes during the day to take a bubble bath or just sit and do… nothing!
It can only get better!
Having a second child and handling two kids can be a bit overwhelming at first. Getting organized before the baby is born is your best bet, even though that might be a bit more challenging than it was the first time around. Because your time will be restricted, you’ll be busier — your once organized schedule may be stretched to the limit. Sleeping and meal schedules might fluctuate, depending on the age of your older child.
One positive change that a second child brings is increased confidence in your abilities, knowledge, and experience. The things that seemed so difficult with your first child — breastfeeding, changing diapers, handling illness — will seem like second nature to you instead of a full-blown crisis.
Enlist the help of family members and friends to watch your children for a bit, so you can just take a few moments to do something you truly enjoy. Once you do, you might be surprised to discover that you have more patience and energy to devote to your children again. Taking a much-needed break will leave you feeling revitalized and ready to tackle the inevitable, non-stop needs of your children.
Life at home with a new baby
Once the baby is home, you will have the responsibility of helping your older kid or kids adjust to the changes. Include them as much as possible in the daily activities involving the baby so that they don’t feel left out.
Older siblings may want to help take care of a new baby. Though this may mean that each task takes longer, do count your blessings for this can give your older child a chance to interact with the baby positively. Depending on their age, a big brother or sister may want to help push the stroller, work the bouncer, or even help out in dressing, bathing, or burping the new baby. With a little patience, all these can reap positive outcomes for the whole family. On the other hand, if an older child expresses no interest in the baby, don’t be alarmed, and don’t force it for these things can take time for some children.
During breastfeeding times, try to have toys at hand so that you can feed the baby without being interrupted or worrying about an older child feeling left out. Don’t forget too, that it doesn’t hurt to communicate with your older child while nursing your baby.
Note: Remind relatives and friends (or let them know!) that your older child might want to talk about something other than the new baby. If relatives or friends ask how they can help, suggest a fun activity or something special for the older child.
