Disagreements are normal experiences when it comes to parenting, and is a part of most family relationships. However, the style and intensity of these disagreements might indicate whether or not there is a more serious problem that needs to be addressed.
When conflicts in parenting ways go out of hand, or when it ends up undermining the other parent’s instructions, tension is bound to arise within the parenting unit. So, if there are clues that strong differences exist between parenting partners, the action is needed to deal with the situation before it jeopardises a family’s happiness. Firstly, however, it would help to understand some of the possible causes of conflict in a parenting unit.
Unexpressed dissatisfactions
It’s not always easy to express yourself when you feel that your partner is wrong in his or her parenting ways. Most parents like to kid themselves into believing that even though they strongly disagree with something, they’re better off just ignoring it and hope it doesn’t happen again. This unexpressed tension won’t just magically disappear, but has the tendency instead of showing up at times when the other parent might need support, for example, when he or she needs the backing of their partner in a situation with their child — It’s quite like “you had your day, and today’s my day” kind of thing, which quickly turns into a vicious cycle of sabotaging the other’s efforts whenever they have a chance. In the end though, in terms of quality parenting, who exactly is the ‘winner’ here? You guessed it — No one.
Choosing to remain a harmful environment
In some extreme cases, the family environment is emotionally and/or physically harmful to children. Families coping with violence, verbal tirades, or even drugs and alcohol abuse will likely lead to one parent going “behind the scenes” to try to repair the damage that the other parent is causing. This happens especially when they feel trapped or are not willing to deal with certain situations for fear of breaking up the family unit.
The need to have full control
In some situations, we find that parents use disagreements or conflicts in parenting to exercise control over the other parent. Such individuals who have this great need to be in control of everyone and everything may have had experiences in their past that caused them to feel extremely anxious if they are not in control. Instead of working out these feelings, a parent may try to control everyone around them, including their other half, as a continuous form of personal remedy from the traumas of their past. Other than the obvious tension that’s bound to rise between the two parents, their children too will not get to experience their parents as a cooperative unit, but rather, they tend to see one parent as the “boss” and the other is redundant.
Misunderstanding — another breeder of contempt
Not fully understanding the other parent’s rationale may result in confusion and frustration in a parenting unit, for not everyone is good at explaining the reasons behind their actions (even though they might have excellent reasons behind them!). Plus, since the other parent is not a mind-reader, conflicts arise and confusion is replaced with contempt. Remember too, that there is often little time to discuss or explain one’s actions in the moments following a child’s behavior, hence resulting in these types of misunderstandings.
5 small steps for better parenting unit
It isn’t easy (and not even advisable) to address conflict while a parenting situation is taking place. Attempts to do so often end up in an argument, or a premature ending, mainly to resolve the situation with the child, but the conflict between the two parents remain.
As time goes by and a family grows, it becomes even more complex if communication issues haven’t been solved or are suppressed. These small steps can help parents get on the right track in communication and quality co-parenting.
1. Talk it out beforehand
Talk things out before issues arise — compare both your lists of which child behaviors are definite “no no’s” and which deserve a lighter consequence, and work towards arriving at a middle ground or understanding. Don’t leave out any subjects, even ‘touchy’ ones such as spanking — you’d be surprised to know that many parents discovered their partner’s take on these issues only after having a child!
2. Share and balance out all consequences
Make sure that your partner and you have a list of positive and negative consequences of using parenting. Refrain from avoiding the role of the “enforcer” in the family, even if you have a problem with it and/or your partner seems alright with it.
3. Don’t intervene (unless asked by your partner)
Resist intervening or triangulating in the middle of conflict your partner and your child are having. You might feel like you have a better set of tools or are in a better position to deal with the situation, but your actions will also serve to undermine your partner’s efforts to work out a problem to its completion.
4. Disagree with acknowledged respect for your partner’s views
Open disagreements between parents do not necessarily mean bad parenting, and if done right, it can help set a good example for a child on how disagreements should be handled. Simple statements such as, “I can see your point, but…” or “I can see why you’re feeling that way, but allow me to explain why I see it differently…” will show kids that respect and disagreement can go together in the same conversation.
5. Don’t rush to hand out a harsh punishment
No rule says parents don’t get to discuss a consequence for a child’s behavior before handing the punishment to the child. Take a few minutes to agree on an appropriate consequence, and, even more importantly, how to encourage your child to improve and better his ways.
Presenting a unified front leads to the best outcome for children. One of the best ways to achieve this is by avoiding harmful, aggressive disagreements. Achieving that quality of communication with your co-parent is a goal that takes effort. Cultivate the courage to change if you feel you have a problem, and keep in mind that it’s always way better to be a good parent and partner than being ‘right’ all the time.
