Not many among us can boast of kids who ‘naturally’ behave well. For kids to be well-mannered and polite, parents have to do their part and teach them about good and bad behaviour, as well as the consequences of the latter.
Discipline, as we know it, plays a major role in the upbringing of children, but sometimes, it can also leave parents feeling guilty about the punishments that they have used to remedy their children’s behaviour. Have you, as a parent ever felt guilty after disciplining your child? Read on…
When a child misbehaves, either on purpose or from not knowing any better, the only way to correct him or she is using the intervention. This can be in the form of a conversation, or an action such as stopping your child from trying to grab a toy from a sibling, for example. Or, if a child keeps asking for something he isn’t supposed to have, like a cookie before dinner, for instance, his parents/parents will have to say ‘no’ to him and that too is a form of discipline. Saying ‘no’ to a child isn’t something abnormal in parenting, but it has to be carried out carefully to not become a meaningless, routine-like phrase that means very little to the child.
It’s also natural for parents to sometimes feel as if they have gone overboard in their actions when disciplining their children. It can even be heartbreaking, especially when a child is left sobbing in misery over a situation that has involved some disciplining. Did you know, however, that there are ways to go about correcting a child’s behaviour without having to feel guilty afterward? Here are some effective ways.
The art of saying ‘no’
First and foremost, the biggest problem in saying ‘no’ is the fact that parents say it too often and don’t mean it, or, they cave-in at the end. This is why many parents end up saying ‘no’ to their kids way too often. Also. children who keep hearing the same thing, the same way, may become immune to it, for it will in time hold little or no meaning to them. As such, when kids grow older, it becomes more difficult to say ‘no’ to them. Saying ‘no’ too often may also give way to unnecessary resentment and feelings of prolonged dissatisfaction.
Try the tactic of saying ‘yes’ but meaning ‘no’ instead. As sneaky as it sounds, it’s doable.
For example, in the case below when a child asking for a cookie too close to mealtime:
Child: Mommy, can I please have a cookie?
Mom: Of course you can, sweetheart, I’ll give you one right after our yummy dinner. Would you like to guess what we’re having in a while?
In the case above, as you can see, a little diversion may help too.
Or, your child may ask for something while you’re out shopping, as in the case below.
Child: Mommy, that doll is so pretty! Can I have it, please?
Mom: Yes, of course. Is that what you want for Christmas/your birthday present? I’ll get it for you but when the time comes, you’ll have to promise me to act surprised, ok?
As sneaky as it sounds, these are normally win-win compromises and are much more amiable as an answer compared to a plain ‘no’.
Say ‘no’ once and don’t cave in
Let’s face it – You’ll be using the word ‘no’ often enough, so why not make it count? The trick here, for each new incident, is to be firm in delivering the first ‘no’, so there is no need to repeat yourself. Remember that caving in at this point will only serve to give way for incessant and tiring manipulations in the future. Kids will be kids, and they will not get tired of trying to get what they want, especially if they know that what they’re doing is bound to work.
It’s worth keeping in mind too, that ‘baby talk’ does not always work, especially when you’re saying ‘no’ to a child, even a toddler. Try instead to use your words with an air of firmness when communicating the reasons why you can’t let your child have his way. (See Kids deserve explanations). If the first “no” does not work, try a different approach, such as finding ways to say ‘yes’, but still mean ‘no’. (See The art of saying ‘no’)
Kids deserve explanations
What do you usually do if your child makes an unreasonable request? Mere saying ‘no’ to a child holds no true meaning when it comes to correcting or communicating with a child. Unless you supply an explanation, a child is very likely to repeat the behaviour. For instance, if junior asks if he can have a cookie before dinner, the better, more effective way is to explain that having it before dinner will spoil his appetite for the yummy food that is going to make them strong and healthy.
There is no need to shout
Have you ever seen or heard a parent shouting at their child? Disturbing, isn’t it? Yelling at children is often fruitless, and it can also cause behavior problems and emotional development issues. The consequences of yelling at children outweigh any possible benefit of temporarily silencing them, for it can give way to depression and self-esteem issues. Instead, make an effort to communicate with your child calmly and warmly.
Remember too that refractions on their part are often caused by sheer boredom. Try positive distractions – Paying attention to your child by engaging in conversation that you know are of interest to them are better ways to distract them from whatever’s upsetting them (or you).
Why embarrass your kid?
We could go on and on about not embarrassing your child in front of other people, with good reason too, for it’s one of those negative aspects of growing up that children have trouble forgetting. Some even carry humiliating experiences brought upon by family members right into their adulthood, causing deep resentment and grudge.
If your child happens to misbehave while in the company of others, get his or her attention, go to a private place, and communicate the reasons for your displeasure and the consequences if the offending behaviour continues.
Don’t make empty promises!
Ever wondered why some kids just don’t believe anything their parents say to them? They might have a good reason for this mistrust! Parents often say: “Not now”, even to things that they never intended to say ‘yes’ to. This gives a child the false hope that there will be a time when he or she can have whatever it is they wanted. Consequently, if those implied promises keep going unfulfilled, in time, your child will lose all trust in you and your words. If you wish to use the term ‘not now’, accompany it with the time when your child can expect you to make good on your promise.
Always respect your partner’s decisions
When one parent says “no”, and the other keeps undermining it by saying “yes.” conflict between the two parents may arise. This split in permission may also create a manipulative habit in a child, where all he needs to do to get his or her way is to ask the other parent. Communication between your partner and you are important, so you’ll know beforehand if a decision has already been made regarding a request, situation, etc.
