“What were you thinking?”
“Why did you do that?”
“Please wait for your turn,”
All of the above statements and more are probably part of life for many parents who face situations where they have to deal with their child’s lack of self-control. In the context of raising kids, lack of self-control can show up in many ways, such as giving in to whims, acting on impulse and being impatient about something. Children have to learn to have more self control in order to get along with others and ultimately, grow up into balanced, well-adjusted adults.
Self-control in itself may bring to mind effortful, relentless disciplining, but in case you haven’t noticed, that kind of self-restraint is hard to keep up for long, even for adults! There are, however, a few clever strategies that may help to boost a child’s self-control and make it easier to deal with.
Mind the situation (and change it if you have to)
Have you ever noticed how much easier it is for your weight loss plans if your home is void of unhealthy food choices and stocked up instead with foods that will help you realise your intentions to shed a few pounds? If you as an adult feel this way, then imagine it must be like for a child. The simplest and often most effective strategy for self-control is to ensure that there are not too many temptations to deal with. Parents can go further to fortify this step by explaining to kids about the circumstances of making bad choices, as well as the benefits of making better choices – while making it simply easier for kids to pick the latter.
For young children, this could even mean simply ensuring that they are not seated so close by that they can physically irritate each other, or, allowing only a limited number of toys to be played with so that there will be fewer issues when it’s time for your children to put them away.
For school-age children, this could mean implementing rules against having electronic distractions during homework time, or ascertaining if the bedroom is a better place for homework compared to the dining room table. It may also involve monitoring the kind of friends they keep and encouraging them to only be friends with those who bring out the best in them, and not the worst.
Help them think better
For this strategy to work, parents will have to pay due attention to how their kids tend to think about certain situations, and how interested or disinterested they are about them. When it comes to household chores, for instance, very few kids look forward to them. Yet, parents somehow know that performing chores will help shape children into human beings that have better living skills and much better regard for what goes on around them. They’ll also learn not to take things for granted. But first, parents will have to put in some initial effort to get them used to certain things in life. Planning and perspective can guide kids toward better choices.
Young children might want to create a visual reminder with pictures of the morning routine to help them remember what they need to do next. Having them repeat instructions you’ve given or answer a question such as – What do you need to remember about the volume of your voice when we go visit your Grandma today at the hospital? – before entering a challenging environment can help kids stay focused on what they need to do, as well as what they should not be doing.
For older kids, breaking down large projects into smaller steps can make the task seem more manageable. To keep their motivation going, they might want to make a list for themselves of top reasons why they want to change a habit or stick with a challenging activity.
Parents can also teach older children to practice self-statements that can come in handy during times of distress. Silently telling themselves, “This isn’t something I like, but I am going to do all I can to handle it well!” – This self-statement and more can help children find the strength they’ll need to deal with tough circumstances without caving in. Situations when these can come helpful include when peers are trying to talk your child into engaging in undesirable or dangerous behaviours, etc.
Help them with their responses
How children cope when they find themselves in a frustrating, scary, upsetting, or very exciting situation will involve some of the most difficult types of self-control, and oftentimes, even adults respond badly to such situations. It is not uncommon for children of all ages to lash out, feel overcome with negative emotions, break down in tears or even involuntarily lose their ability to cooperate. As parents can expect all these situations to appear in their child’s life, at some point or another, it makes sense to equip their child with the wisdom of handling them well. Having a plan that spells out what to do instead can help them hold onto self-control. You may want to use role-play to help your child practice the plan beforehand.
If your child is still very young, you may be dealing with the tendency to hit a friend when they get upset – It will be useful to teach your child to cross their arms and give themselves a little hug when they feel angry. Knowing how and whom to ask for help when they need it is also essential.
School-age children need to know how to handle ordinary teasing. Having rehearsed comeback statements such as “And your point is?” or “Tell me when you get to the fun part” can help kids feel better equipped to deal with childhood teasing without having to feel bad.
Distraction can also be useful for self-calming during times when your child has to patiently wait for something. Your child could silently recite the alphabet or math facts, count backward, sing-song lyrics, remember a fun vacation, etc. Drawing, reading, or listening to music can be useful strategies for situations like these.
Children aren’t born with instincts when it comes to behaviour – both good and bad behaviour is picked up, hence parents must ensure that their little one is picking up the kind of behavior that will enhance the quality of their life and bring peace to themselves and others.
