It’ll do us good to practice some self-control when it comes to handling little ones, for rash words affect them in more ways than you think!
Whether you are working or are a stay-at-home mom, stress is something you probably can’t escape. It’s almost a norm of modern-day living where there seem to be a million things to do and so little time to get them done. Throw a child or two into the picture and you’ll have the perfect conditions for possible outbursts, where words, as they say, once uttered (or yelled), cannot be retracted.
Many parents though, especially during bouts of short-fused temperaments, make the mistake of convincing themselves that what they say to a child will be easily forgotten with a hug and a cuddle, hence they see no harm in repeating this cycle of outburst to release themselves of the tensions of the moments. The thing is, kids, remember more about their childhood experiences that we think they do and words uttered by their loved once are some of the things that they may carry along with them well into their adult lives.
So, how have you been talking to your little one? In any case, here are some things you might want to stop saying to a child and some gentler alternatives to help you get your messages across.
Stop being such a…
Although you might take such words as ‘what not to be’, a child’s only way of seeing it is, — that’s what he is to mom — a coward; a pain, etc. Even words like “ Why are you so clumsy?” or “How could you be so mean to your cousin?” psychologically pigeonholes a child into categories which he’ll consider himself to be in.
Some words are known to cut dangerously deep, and these can be seen in cases where adults remember being called lazy or useless as a little child, by an angry parent, relative, or caregiver.
The best alternative will be to address the specific shortcoming whilst leaving out the adjectives on a child’s personality. For example, “Cousin Anne was so hurt when you snatched that toy from her. What can we do to make her feel better?”, or, “Hold the cup with two hands sweety, so it won’t slip from your hands”.
Why can’t you be more like…
Although it might seem like a good idea to hold out someone else as an ideal example, comparisons do backfire. Firstly, would you like a loved one (say, your partner) to point to another as an example of what you should be doing?
Uh-huh… likewise, a child feels the same but is probably not equipped with the right vocabulary to let you know how bad he feels.
While it’s quite normal for parents to compare their kids to others or look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, it’s never alright for a child to hear it! Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.
Making comparisons does little to change behavior either. Being pressured to do something he’s not ready for (or doesn’t like to do) can be confusing to a little kid and can undermine his self-confidence. Some kids might also end up with deep-rooted resentment towards their parents, certain activities, occasions, a type of food, etc, due to unpleasant memories tied to them.
Try instead, to encourage your child’s strong points and current achievements. Statements such as “Wow, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone write as neat as you. I’m so proud of you!”, or, “You almost finished your food… Well done!” does wonders for a child and will make him want to try to do more to make you happy.
Stop crying!
A classic for parents who are blessed with little wailers. The thing to remember here is, kids do get upset or scared and since they’re not capable enough of articulating their feeling with words, crying is their only form of expressing themselves. Hence, words such as “Don’t be sad”, “Don’t be a baby” is neither of any good.
While parents may think they’re protecting their children from such emotions by prohibiting them, but what they’re doing is denying that such feelings and emotions exist. In other words, a child will start to think that it’s not normal to feel scared or sad.
Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way — when he does — acknowledge the emotion up front.
“You must be feeling sad that you lost your teddy bear. Let’s go and look for it together.”
By naming the feelings that your child has, be it sad, scared, angry, or frustrated, you’ll give him the vocabulary he needs to express himself, and at the same time, you’ll be showing him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he’ll cry less and will attempt to describe his emotions instead.
Breathe!
When things get stressful with a child, take a deep breath, step back, and take a moment to calm down and think things through before you react. That way, you’re taking some time to think about what you want to say, instead of reacting instantly, where words are just spilled out on autopilot. As much as possible, you want to respond thoughtfully to what your child is saying or doing to make a difference in correcting them.
Children will be children
Instead of expecting children to be doing exactly what is expected of them, parents should instead expect that children will be naturally pushing every button they have with their misdeeds, be it intentionally or not. Angry reactions from parents are usually the product of wondering, or in some cases, worrying about their competencies as parents. Some parents also feel as if they have lost control of their children, which is of course, hardly the case. The best thing to do is to expect that children are not perfect and to stay calm in stressful moments. It is after all with calmness and not with anger that you can guide a child into improvements.
You better stop that or else…
The universal form of threat parents uses to attempt to bring unfavourable behavior to an instant halt. They are usually the result of parental frustration and rarely accomplished anything good for the child or the parent.
The problem is, sooner or later you might have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power. This is why threats of hitting have been found to lead to more spanking, which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior.
Murray Straus, Ph.D., a sociologist at the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Lab revealed that the younger a child is, the longer it takes for a lesson to sink in and that the odds of a two-year-old’s repeating a misdeed later in the same day are eighty percent no matter what sort of discipline you use.
More effective ways include developing more constructive tactics, such as redirection, removing the child from the situation, or time-outs. They may be slower to work, but at least you know they won’t be damaging compared to those with proven negative consequences.
